Hello, welcome to Burker Thing!
Name: Nikkolas Irishname O'Reilley
Age: 19
Hair: brown, emofied
Eyes: brown
Likes: Brett, kids, Carlboro Menthol Lights, kitties
Dislikes: Japanese ghosts, mustard, assholes
Job Position: top-er! Front register
Description: Nikkolas, the hero of our comic, is a mighty swordsman, trained dutifully in the arts of battle. One day, a wizard comes to his home, and decrees that he must fulfill a quest to SAVE THE WORLD!
Of course, that's another tale, another comic. In SAWBAN, Nikkolas is the poor protaganist, a student of Saint Moe's Catholic College, and the victim of unhappy circumstance. Nikkolas is shy and quiet, a responsible youth who has left behind many personal duties at home to pursue further education. He's a nice guy, with a great sense of humor. He has an explosive temper. Impressively so. He wants to have kids, but has strangely no interest in girls.
Name: Brett Michael Heinrich
Age: 18.8
Hair: rainbow. naturally? ahm . . . black?
Eyes: green
Likes: Nikkolas, shiny stuff, heavy "meat-flapping" metal music, food, J-horror, lollipops, drive-thru
Dislikes: Bailjait, stalkers, customers, drive-thru
Job Position: bott-slash Drive-thru register
description: Brett Heinrich is an off-the-wall goofball. His ego is comparable to Napolean's (although he's much taller). He wears much black, even at work, and hangs out at Saint Moe's campus just to escape the Tenderchunk. Unlike most of the BT employees, he has the most volatile, destructive temper, and works ninety hours a week. He has the distinction of being the only one there who can repair the daybots. He writes really crappy poetry, and loves to tell jokes and stories about the "good ol' days." Has been with Shmouts Burker Thing for five years.
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Name: Jared Thomas Newman
Age: a mystery left to the ages, possibly never to be learned
Hair: male pattern baldness, mostly brownish
Eyes: blue
Likes: Cynthia (his plastic companion), baseball, unofficial steroids, birth control, his "secret" porn stash
Dislikes: non-baseballers, babies, responsibility, graduating
Job Position: Baseballer Assfuck
Description: Jared is your typical jock, or would be if he would take off the ridiculous toga and pink granny shawl (put on him every day by freshman slaves at 5 AM sharp). Jared Newman is the only student at Saint Moe's who has witnessed three full rotations of professors, seen half the campus built, and may have taught fifth grade gym class. A freshman of uncounted years, the freshman dorm was built with his floor plan, and a building was named after him. He gets his own parking lot, and the task of drawing the official school map. Jared is a closeted bastard of an asshole.
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Name: Daybot (0012j;675k through 9999l;798z)
Age: Built in 1954 by Robert Schuder; last updated in 1987 (they tend to be very outdated)
Hair: Metallic Blonde, 50's hairstyle
Eyes: Blue Marbles
Likes: programmed to gossip
Dislikes: water, electrical shortages and lightning, power surges
Job Position: All, only on days, never dishes
Description: Have you ever gone to your favorite fast food . . . place of dining . . . only to be greeted by the same cashier who greeted you at that knock-off down the street? She's blonde, with an ancient hairstyle, and a superficial, (some might even say) plastic smile? Her voice is tinny and disjointed? Her responses are limited, and you are SURE that she might be a bit brain damaged? Well, she's not brain damaged. Your order is going against her basic programming. *GASP!* That's right! The cashier is a ROBOT, cleverly disguised as a human taking your order! You just never knew it, because - you guessed it! - the government has been brainwashing you! Okay, not really. The truth is much more insidious. Burker Thing, too cheap to hire real employees who want raises and money, hired a private engineer to create lifelike metal robots to work. Fifty years ago. The stripes, a recent addition/change to the uniform, are painted on.
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Name: RWAPT (Rose with a Peach Tattoo)
Age: 58471096574801
Hair: Salt 'n' Peppa
Eyes: Green
Likes: Smoking
Dislikes: Lazy employees
Job Positions: Manager
Description: Coolness. The end. More to follow
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Name: GFS (Geraldine Francine Scott)
Age: 459701-67-1908567
Hair: Female Pattern Baldness, dyed blonde, childishly emo haircut
Eyes: No one looks close enough, rumored to be red windows to Satan
Likes: The devil, stealing employees from nightshift, smoking during the busiest times of the day, ignoring managers, holding up the desk in the office and drinking/spilling tea on the desk, flirting with 17 year old employees
Dislikes: work
Job Positions: General Manager of Buker Thing
Description: Goddamn Fucking Scunt. The store manager of store 6540-253 Shmouts Mandiana is a force of evil unto herself, every bad manager you've ever had. Although her day shift makes only a small amount of money, a pittance in comparison to to the night shift, she schedule 84179802 employees on her shift, plus uses all seventeen daybotsw at her disposal, then complains about how busy her day was. She then sends the night employees home early. During lunch, she stands out smoking fifteen cigarettes. She orders three times as much product as the store actually needs, and blames her shift managers. She is the only one who knows about and can repair the daybots, except for Brett, whom she constantly abuses. She is a goddamn fucking scunt.
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Name: Lucille
Age: 167843
Hair: Black
Eyes: Dark brown
Likes: Smoking, complaining
Dislikes: doing the order, working nights (although she always does)
Job Positions: Shift Manager
Description:
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Name: Candy/Mandy/Sandy/whatever name is called out in passion
Age: born on September 16 in Jared's freshman year
Hair: matted blonde
Eyes: perma-closed in passion
Likes: penile entry
Dislikes: not being washed since blow up
Job Positions: bottom, top, kneeling, doggy, suspended congress, t-square, modified t-square, leap frog, frottage, the shocker, spit roast, DVDA
Description: Candy is just your average blow-up doll; she's always there when you need her. She likes hanging out in all her glory on Jared's floor (and sometimes bed, shower, hallway, freshman slave's room). She is usually covered in random bits of duct tape to cover the holes brought on by some of her more difficult job positions.
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Will that be all for you? So you want a Tenderchunk Filet (TM), one slice of lemon pie, one large onion looper, four meat slabs, and one diet cola? That'll be $67.93. Please pull up to the window!
Mooo.
